Conquer the LSAT, then conquer the LFAT

No, its not another test.  It's far, far worse.  It's that time you have stand on the bathroom scale and realize, "Damn, all that free pizza came at a big price!"  Yup, its the summer after your first year in law school and you realize that maybe your ass shouldn't be the size of your Contracts final.  Maybe that gym membership you bought before school wasn't such a waste of money after all.

When taking on this road to law school, you fear the dreaded LSAT, but what they dont tell you about is the REALLY dreaded LFAT.  LFAT are those pounds that sneak up on you while you are busy rewarding yourself that extra dozen of brownies for completing your outlines just before finals.  LFAT is what happens when you get addicted to grabbing free pizza and other goodies they use to tempt you to attending those time-sucking meetings.  LFAT is what happens when you need that scone to go with your triple espresso just to get your day started.

How much weight can you possibly gain in 9 months, you ask?  Well, lets just say if my LSAT score WAS my weight, I would be at a place with Ivy-covered walls on a free ride!

Tonight I made that first trip back to the gym after a three week break from school.  Apparently my brain wasnt the only thing that turned to jelly in the last 9 months.  I mean, parts of my body now shake, rattle and roll that I really didnt think could ever do that.

it's summer, and it may be swimsuit season for the rest of the world, but I plan to stay indoors and work on getting my swimsuit body back -- or at least something that doesn't jiggle when I walk.

Remember, everything has a price -- especially the free pizza!

You Know Its Finals When.....

1.  Outlining becomes as crucial as Newt Gingrich trying to squeeze another $10 million out of Sheldon Adelson;

2.  You behave like a character from Vampire Diaries when you leave the library;

3. Starbucks has your order waiting for you when you arrive;

4.  You suddenly realize that Summary Judgment isn't really about making a quick decision;

5.  You start to casually toss words like repudiation, equitable remedy, and reasonable person, into conversations with non-law school friends;

6.  You realize maybe highlighting all of the text wasn't such a good idea after all;

7.  That pen you use to record your professors rants does run out of memory space after all;

8.  All of those cases that you never bothered to read, suddenly take on great meaning in your life; and

9.  Butt pads become the commodity in demand in the library.  (see pic below).

 

Law Students for Reproductive Justice Chapter Forms at Southwestern

Get ready for Law Students for Reproductive Justice at Southwestern Law School in Los Angeles. At a time when reproductive rights, for both men and women, are being whittled away by our representatives, its important we all take a stand and tell our elected officials what we really want. Check out LSRJ.org

The View from My Hotel During Spring Break

Look familiar? Its cause i didnt go anywhere. I remember the days when Spring Break meant beaches, tequila body shots, and dancing the night away. Now its outlining the day away.

Welcome to my non-glam, Hollywood adjacent, life.

I Lost My Life on My Way to Law School

I know I had a life. I mean, there was this time in my not so distant past that I was an entertainment publicist. I actually walked the red carpet of the Emmys, Oscars, and the Tonys (sorry, never the Grammys). I knew what was hip and cool in town. I always had the list of the newest, best, most hip places to hang out at my fingertips -- and I had an insider at each and every one of them.

And then I opted to do this law school thing.

Let me paint the picture a little more clearly -- its Friday night, 8:25 p.m, and I am in the library reading cases for the painful appellate brief thats due in 2.5 weeks. I still have reading to do for next week - and cases to brief. And then of course there is the non-stop outlining.

So while my partner enjoys himself in Palm Springs for the weekend, I get a chance to get caught up with my work. Is such a thing even possible? Will Palm Springs become a mystic city i never get to again?

Ah, such is the life of a future legal scholar. Trade in any remnants of a personal life, for an intense intellectual hazing period that you pay dearly for.

Do you know how much Prada I could buy with my tuition money? The horrors.

Okay, enough complaining to the real world, I got a brief to write.

The Egos Have Landed

Did you hear that big thump? It was that loud sound of something hitting the ground very hard. It was the egos landing, face first, at your local law school. In this country, after the holidays we don't just have the major sales, we have the "Handing Out of the Law School Grades". It happens right after New Year and almost immediately after your student loan check clears the school account. Translate -- they have you locked for another semester of intellectual fun.

The administrators conveniently schedule it around the completion of the first week of classes and usually when you are with other people. With only a fixed amount of people getting As no matter how smart or how well the rest of you are, there are going to be a good deal of disappointed legal scholars. And thats when you hear it -- THUMP. The egos of the former 4.0 students hits the ground, face first, and stays there checking to see if anyone saw them.

For if we learn nothing in the first year, its that your poker face is the best face to play in any situation. Thats what makes lawyers so trustworthy!!!! They always have that confident, unflappable look on their face. Legal Scholars everywhere develop this skill upon the receipt of the first grade. For when they look their "friends" directly in the eye and say, "I got an A-" they actually sound believable.

And you thought poker faces were just for Lady GaGa and the Vegas Strip? Drop by any law school and ask the students what they got -- when you hear this ENORMOUS amount of A's in the class, you know the people actually without the As are the ones you want representing you in a trial. Covering a bold face lie like that, especially after the truth just hit you in the gut like a teamster, takes skill. Retain that person now before the rest of the world figures it out.

It Took me TWO WHOLE WEEKS to finally relax -- and School Starts in a week

UGH. Is this going to be the rest of my life? That i will constantly be sleep depraved -- and in a constant state of fear? And I paid HOW MUCH for this? more UGH. I have also begun the "great summer internship search" - otherwise known as the "why am i working this hard for free, again?" With the economy in such high gear, internships are the new entry level jobs. If you look close at want ads, they usually go like this -- "internship", "2-3 years experience", and "3-5" years experience. When they have completely exhausted the in-house talent, you get lucky and see "5-7" years experience, that is if you can survive the job search of almost a year. Notice there are no advertisements for "7+". That category has seemed to drop off the radar.

I guess what I am most bitter about is the only way i have achieved this state of nirvana is through Nyquil. Yup, I spent the better part of my only time off until mid May in bed, covered in Vicks, and sneezing every ten minutes. This all because of an early morning flight to the family in New York. Apparently, sleeping only two hours before a cross country Continental flight in which i felt like a veal calf in a crate, is not the best thing to do while still coming down from my law school "high".

I have six precious days left, I have relaxed this "vacation" only through the help of Nyquil, and my eyes hurt at the thought of reading the Torts assignment.

Please pass the Visine and Nyquil.

The Finest Choice in Dining for Legal Scholars Everywhere.

On 11th night of December, blowing off my fifth Christmas party of the weekend, I am in the law library yet again, prepping for my finals. Just when I thought life could not be more grand, I decided to treat myself to a vending machine buffet!!!

This is living large in the law school lane.

The coke, btw, was confiscated by the Food Nazis in the library. I mean, years ago when people actually used the books, I think keeping food out of the library made sense. Now that the only thing the books provide is a sense of decor, maybe we can do away with the food rules. How am I going to spend 12 hours of my day in an unsavory section of Los Angeles any other way?

You Know Its Finals When a Dental Exam is a Great Time.

I took a day off from studying today. Okay, so i took a portion of the day off, with some guilt I must admit, and I went to the dentist. I wanted to avoid going to the dentist right before finals because I didn't want to cause myself more pain. However, the tooth finally won.

This all started with the LSATs. I was studying and cracked my tooth on some trail mix -- two years ago -- and finally dealt with it now because the pain was actually worse than sitting in the library for 12 hours. You know it had to be really bad when I gave up precious finals study time for something that had to do with the rest of my life.

And you know that this is all screwed up when you realize, while sitting in the dental chair, and the dentist is installing a new crown, that this is a spa treatment compared to the rest of my life.

Let me set it up for you. My dentist is located in Santa Monica, about ten blocks from the beach -- which is that piece of land I have not seen since way before law school started. Taking a drive out to Santa Monica is a long road trip these days. School is the only reason I use my car at all these days -- god forbid I should go to the gym or visit friends -- so a trip to Santa Monica practically requires a passport.

The dental office is practically a spa already -- it has amazing walls of glass with views of the Santa Monica mountains. You just lay back in the chair and see all of Los Angeles set up beneath you, while some man drills away at your teeth. I knew it was bad when I started to fall asleep when he removed my cavity and installed the new crown. Usually I am on the ceiling at that point bargaining with god -- and instead -- one week before my first final -- I am finding it relaxing. So relaxing that I fall asleep with a drill in my mouth.

My standards have obviously fallen off the charts. Maybe during next finals week I should get an extraction?

Finally -- a Good Use for those old Law Books

Who could believe that someone would come up with such an amazing idea for the Law Books we just walk by every day on our way to the WestLaw print out section? Booze Books -- based in Brooklyn -- is repurposing books and giving them a second life -- and probably with the same people that gave them the first one!!!

Just think, you work your ass off all these years for a JD and finally get out -- only to get hit with the payment plan from the Feds. Who isn't going to take to the bottle then?

Help out our buddies at Booze Books and donate to their start up fund. Donate at http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/benderbound/booze-books or you can wait until you buy your first set!

Apparently Libraries ARE for sleeping....

Day Three of OccupySouthwestern Library.

Let me explain.

It's not about Wall Street -- well not exactly, that would depend on the case. Its "Reading Days" which means that if you have to do all your reading on these days, you are screwed. It's a Sunday night and the library is actually full. The first years are Occupying the library in droves. Finals start on the 8th and panic and caffeine are everywhere. I just looked up from my outlines, mostly because my eyes are doing their own protest, to find the student across from me asleep. I am not appalled, but rather, very jealous. Anyone who can sleep on these hard chairs deserves at least a B. I mean, I have sat in my share of library chairs and these are designed by some S&M fetish freak.

Only 12 days left until we get "raided" and run for freedom. There is a case of tequila with my name all over it just waiting until the Crim exam is over.

Ah, the life of a 1L. And I paid for this.

I made it to the last day and I still have all my hair???

How did that ever happen? I am about to run off to my criminal law class. My very last class of this first semester of this endeavor they call law school. And to think it was just a short time ago I was thinking of running. Okay, so I was thinking of running several times, but I must say, in some very perverse way, I am glad I stayed.

You always remember your first time -- its never what you expected, and it always hurts more than you think it will. But you get through it -- and for whatever reason, get right back up on that horse, and do it again.

Now to survive exams.

Goth? Grunge? Or Law School Finals Look?

I am not a stick thin model, working the catwalk for my living. However, in spite of nearly three weeks to go before my first exam, I DO look like Kate Moss after an all nighter with Marc Jacobs (pre 12 steps that is). These bags and circles under my eyes remind me of the days of traveling pre-911. If I look this way after my first semester, what exactly am I going to look like after the Bar exam? And that question is meant purely rhetorically cause I really don't want to know.

Just like the catering the law libraries should provide (to make the school an even bigger cash cow than it is), I think at the very least there should be some discounts from a local spa. Better yet -- provide one on campus. Again, talk about a captive audience. And with some creative accounting, I am sure we can find someplace for them on our financial aid forms. I mean, do they really want to send grads out into the world looking like something from the AMC's hit THE WALKING DEAD? Bad enough Lawyers got the rep they got, but flesh eating zombie is a phrase I would love to avoid being tossed my way.

If you thought the first three months were bad....

It's that time during your first semester as a law student that you suddenly realize you have a choice to make. Take some much needed rest and finally look like a human again (for a little while anyways), or prep for exams. It's time to get to know very intimately that term you heard so much about this entire semester called outlines. Apparently they weren't' some fictional character like the tooth fairy. If only. Outlines are the ways law students digest their entire semester worth of materials into an easy to refer to format to study from. However, outlines also are something that should have been taken care of all semester and to pull them off over Thanksgiving break is nothing short of the educational equivalent of scoring that $99 flat screen TV at WalMart at 4am.

Wish me luck. My dignity already left months ago. My eyesight is on its way out. I think the next thing left is basic hygiene. Great.

I would strongly suggest staying away from any law school exam rooms --- we might be used to it by now -- but like the rest of law school, its not for the faint of heart.

Why Don't they have Catering in the LIbrary?

You would think that law schools would take a lesson from the airlines and take advantage of a captive audience. I mean, here we are sitting for hours in this building, barely getting up for a bathroom break, much less a meal. It would be cool to have a lunch cart or something like the 2011 version of a cigarette girl at a club. I can see it now -- Granola Bar? Doritos? Diet Coke? If you think the movie theaters mark up, just wait until you see these prices. And all purchases could be conveniently charged to your school account. Schools certainly don't have to worry about the damages to the books, cause lord knows nobody uses those anymore.

I think its time to have a food truck for the law libraries! Talk about an electronic contracting practicum!!!!

My Bible

I have succumbed to the free pizza.

I tried. I really did. But the temptation was just too great. Free food after days without cash. Its not that there isn't money in the bank -- i just can't find the time to get to the ATM. Its across the street from the library and all, but the library just acts like a vortex and I can't escape.

The school throughs these student activities meetings all day -- and in order to get you out of your studying stupor, they tempt you with free food. We are graduate students after all right? Most of us can't boil water much less fix oatmeal. Free food is what keeps us going. Except me. I would religiously go up to the (mediocre) cafeteria for their salad bar. Gotta keep that first year ten off my (slightly) older than the rest of them's ass.

But the temptation was too great -- and my bankcard had cracked. Free pizza it was. Now everyday I hunt down the freebies, justifying it with the fact that I am saving money, but in reality its about the win. You see, battles are won few and far between in law school; you have to take those wins where you can. And I, well I am taking mine out on the free pizza. By taking the free pizza, I feel like, today anyways, I have won. Small victories matter these days.

Let's review:

1. Apparently I get my mail at the library.

2. I can't even make time for ATM runs -- lord knows what the rest of my life looks like.

3. And I think by swiping a few slices of pizza I have achieved a victory.

Welcome to my first year. Hopefully next semester they teach a class on regaining your dignity.

Thursday is the new Friday -- in MY mind

Thursday is the new Friday, in my head anyways. Thursday mornings I just want to stay in bed and have a leisurely breakfast with my partner, Todd. Thursday mornings, I just want to take all of the extra time and get to class on my terms. As we know that is not the case. Class still starts the same time, even if my head is on the weekend.

I have fallen in love with the bad coffee in the school's cafeteria. That is serious. I have truly let all of my values fall to the wayside in the now digital, formerly paper, chase.

Here's to hoping the weekend comes fast, bringing with it a crash course with Emily Post.