I Lost My Life on My Way to Law School

I know I had a life. I mean, there was this time in my not so distant past that I was an entertainment publicist. I actually walked the red carpet of the Emmys, Oscars, and the Tonys (sorry, never the Grammys). I knew what was hip and cool in town. I always had the list of the newest, best, most hip places to hang out at my fingertips -- and I had an insider at each and every one of them.

And then I opted to do this law school thing.

Let me paint the picture a little more clearly -- its Friday night, 8:25 p.m, and I am in the library reading cases for the painful appellate brief thats due in 2.5 weeks. I still have reading to do for next week - and cases to brief. And then of course there is the non-stop outlining.

So while my partner enjoys himself in Palm Springs for the weekend, I get a chance to get caught up with my work. Is such a thing even possible? Will Palm Springs become a mystic city i never get to again?

Ah, such is the life of a future legal scholar. Trade in any remnants of a personal life, for an intense intellectual hazing period that you pay dearly for.

Do you know how much Prada I could buy with my tuition money? The horrors.

Okay, enough complaining to the real world, I got a brief to write.

The Egos Have Landed

Did you hear that big thump? It was that loud sound of something hitting the ground very hard. It was the egos landing, face first, at your local law school. In this country, after the holidays we don't just have the major sales, we have the "Handing Out of the Law School Grades". It happens right after New Year and almost immediately after your student loan check clears the school account. Translate -- they have you locked for another semester of intellectual fun.

The administrators conveniently schedule it around the completion of the first week of classes and usually when you are with other people. With only a fixed amount of people getting As no matter how smart or how well the rest of you are, there are going to be a good deal of disappointed legal scholars. And thats when you hear it -- THUMP. The egos of the former 4.0 students hits the ground, face first, and stays there checking to see if anyone saw them.

For if we learn nothing in the first year, its that your poker face is the best face to play in any situation. Thats what makes lawyers so trustworthy!!!! They always have that confident, unflappable look on their face. Legal Scholars everywhere develop this skill upon the receipt of the first grade. For when they look their "friends" directly in the eye and say, "I got an A-" they actually sound believable.

And you thought poker faces were just for Lady GaGa and the Vegas Strip? Drop by any law school and ask the students what they got -- when you hear this ENORMOUS amount of A's in the class, you know the people actually without the As are the ones you want representing you in a trial. Covering a bold face lie like that, especially after the truth just hit you in the gut like a teamster, takes skill. Retain that person now before the rest of the world figures it out.

It Took me TWO WHOLE WEEKS to finally relax -- and School Starts in a week

UGH. Is this going to be the rest of my life? That i will constantly be sleep depraved -- and in a constant state of fear? And I paid HOW MUCH for this? more UGH. I have also begun the "great summer internship search" - otherwise known as the "why am i working this hard for free, again?" With the economy in such high gear, internships are the new entry level jobs. If you look close at want ads, they usually go like this -- "internship", "2-3 years experience", and "3-5" years experience. When they have completely exhausted the in-house talent, you get lucky and see "5-7" years experience, that is if you can survive the job search of almost a year. Notice there are no advertisements for "7+". That category has seemed to drop off the radar.

I guess what I am most bitter about is the only way i have achieved this state of nirvana is through Nyquil. Yup, I spent the better part of my only time off until mid May in bed, covered in Vicks, and sneezing every ten minutes. This all because of an early morning flight to the family in New York. Apparently, sleeping only two hours before a cross country Continental flight in which i felt like a veal calf in a crate, is not the best thing to do while still coming down from my law school "high".

I have six precious days left, I have relaxed this "vacation" only through the help of Nyquil, and my eyes hurt at the thought of reading the Torts assignment.

Please pass the Visine and Nyquil.

The Finest Choice in Dining for Legal Scholars Everywhere.

On 11th night of December, blowing off my fifth Christmas party of the weekend, I am in the law library yet again, prepping for my finals. Just when I thought life could not be more grand, I decided to treat myself to a vending machine buffet!!!

This is living large in the law school lane.

The coke, btw, was confiscated by the Food Nazis in the library. I mean, years ago when people actually used the books, I think keeping food out of the library made sense. Now that the only thing the books provide is a sense of decor, maybe we can do away with the food rules. How am I going to spend 12 hours of my day in an unsavory section of Los Angeles any other way?

You Know Its Finals When a Dental Exam is a Great Time.

I took a day off from studying today. Okay, so i took a portion of the day off, with some guilt I must admit, and I went to the dentist. I wanted to avoid going to the dentist right before finals because I didn't want to cause myself more pain. However, the tooth finally won.

This all started with the LSATs. I was studying and cracked my tooth on some trail mix -- two years ago -- and finally dealt with it now because the pain was actually worse than sitting in the library for 12 hours. You know it had to be really bad when I gave up precious finals study time for something that had to do with the rest of my life.

And you know that this is all screwed up when you realize, while sitting in the dental chair, and the dentist is installing a new crown, that this is a spa treatment compared to the rest of my life.

Let me set it up for you. My dentist is located in Santa Monica, about ten blocks from the beach -- which is that piece of land I have not seen since way before law school started. Taking a drive out to Santa Monica is a long road trip these days. School is the only reason I use my car at all these days -- god forbid I should go to the gym or visit friends -- so a trip to Santa Monica practically requires a passport.

The dental office is practically a spa already -- it has amazing walls of glass with views of the Santa Monica mountains. You just lay back in the chair and see all of Los Angeles set up beneath you, while some man drills away at your teeth. I knew it was bad when I started to fall asleep when he removed my cavity and installed the new crown. Usually I am on the ceiling at that point bargaining with god -- and instead -- one week before my first final -- I am finding it relaxing. So relaxing that I fall asleep with a drill in my mouth.

My standards have obviously fallen off the charts. Maybe during next finals week I should get an extraction?

Finally -- a Good Use for those old Law Books

Who could believe that someone would come up with such an amazing idea for the Law Books we just walk by every day on our way to the WestLaw print out section? Booze Books -- based in Brooklyn -- is repurposing books and giving them a second life -- and probably with the same people that gave them the first one!!!

Just think, you work your ass off all these years for a JD and finally get out -- only to get hit with the payment plan from the Feds. Who isn't going to take to the bottle then?

Help out our buddies at Booze Books and donate to their start up fund. Donate at http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/benderbound/booze-books or you can wait until you buy your first set!

Apparently Libraries ARE for sleeping....

Day Three of OccupySouthwestern Library.

Let me explain.

It's not about Wall Street -- well not exactly, that would depend on the case. Its "Reading Days" which means that if you have to do all your reading on these days, you are screwed. It's a Sunday night and the library is actually full. The first years are Occupying the library in droves. Finals start on the 8th and panic and caffeine are everywhere. I just looked up from my outlines, mostly because my eyes are doing their own protest, to find the student across from me asleep. I am not appalled, but rather, very jealous. Anyone who can sleep on these hard chairs deserves at least a B. I mean, I have sat in my share of library chairs and these are designed by some S&M fetish freak.

Only 12 days left until we get "raided" and run for freedom. There is a case of tequila with my name all over it just waiting until the Crim exam is over.

Ah, the life of a 1L. And I paid for this.